“For more than a week I was close to the gates of death and hell. I trembled in all my members. Christ was wholly lost.”
“. . .the content of the depressions was always the same, the loss of faith that God is good and that he is good to me.”
According to his famous biographer, Roland Bainton, he found himself “subject to recurrent periods of exaltation and depression of spirit.”
In 1572, the reformer who penned
“A Mighty Fortress Is Our God,” Martin Luther (1483-1546)
My childhood growing up was chaotic to say the least.The sexual abuse from my older brother started as far back as i can remember. however, i’m unsure when the abuse first began.my dad has told me stories of how i was in kindergarten and the teachers were really concerned that there was sexual abuse going on and so my parents kept moving me from school to school in the early part of my life until about the seventh grade when i pretty much remained in the same school district.when i was younger in the early parts of elementary school i remember having visual hallucinations and one in particular i remember is this man that would suddenly appear in back of me out of thin air. as soon as he appeared it was if i could feel his presence and so i would slowly turn around and ask “who are you?” his reply was always the same he would say “I’m the man standing there.”then i would have these rather odd thoughts. For example, i was at a restaurant with my brothers and his friends and there was this dried up black stuff on the table and everyone was like “eww what is that?” and i said “oh its him” and i was referring to one of my brother’s friends.i knew that what i was thinking didn’t make sense yet i could not get myself to believe that it was not true.the older i get the less problems i have with mental illness but i still have problems with distorted thinking and bizarre behavior and occasionally i have auditory hallucinations.sometimes i wonder how much of my mental illness is due to my chaotic childhood and how much is genetic.since ive been saved the lord has shown me that although people are limited in their understanding of me he is always there and that he will always be there.
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I was what most people would consider a “good girl”. I went to private Christian school for middle school and made good grades. No one could have guessed that I had a serious struggle with my sexual identity that started in the fifth grade. From the age of ten, and for about ten years I struggled with a sexual addiction from sixteen to nineteen. Only a few days after my nineteenth birthday my father died suddenly of a pancreatic attack; six months later my mother was hospitalized with deadly food poisoning that ended in diagnosable typhoid fever, she came near death countless times with fevers reaching 109 degrees Fahrenheit. I was lost and spiraled into a life of promiscuity and witchcraft until I became ill with an unknown and painful sickness…and it was here, at the end of my rope, that I found Jesus.
Though I grew up in a Christian home, I was often never given reason as to why things that were “wrong” were wrong, or not right…I wasn’t aware of “consequences” in the spirit realm, or that there was a battle for my soul. I was told that Jesus loved me, but I never connected His love with His death. Sure I heard it, but I never heeded it. So when I hit puberty and discovered my body was “changing”, I gave little effort to control my desires and guard my heart. I did not know Jesus’ love for my heart and looked to men. By the time I was fifteen I had become addicted to pornography and masturbation. This is also the year I met my first boyfriend who was equally clueless about his body, or the consequences of sexual immorality.
Somewhere in me I knew that something was wrong, but I didn’t know what. We had been together only a month. We noticed our relationship was in turmoil and set some physical boundaries for about a year; however we did not keep it for long and were reckless in our physical involvement and behavior that destroyed our relationship. While we were together I lost my father and thought surely God did not care about me. Friends and family members urged us to maintain purity and boundaries that would have protected us, even presenting Biblical truths in their arguments, but it made no difference to us. Our relationship became entirely based on sexual experimentation so that we eventually broke up when he moved away. No physicality – no relationship.
In this path of sin, I started to have symptoms of what I thought was an STD. I went from doctor to doctor to find out what was wrong. Nothing ever came of the tests, but I was in constant pain, so much so I could barely walk. I stopped having sex, not because I wanted to, but because I was no longer able to even go to the bathroom without pain.
Weeks later, my mother became deathly ill. I remember the night she passed out while holding my hand. Much of the time after this was a blur, but I remember unintentionally losing 20 pounds as I went through a period of stress and depression while she recovered. The only contact I had was an elderly woman who called herself a “spirit guide”. She seemed like a wonderful friend to have, even coming to the hospital and visiting me as I cared for my mother. Slowly though, she introduced me to a life a witchcraft and sorcery. I had no clue what was happening, until my sister presented the Gospel of Jesus to me in a way I had not heard before… “He loves you, as you are”. As I am, I thought, with an unknown illness, depressed, suicidal, and lonely…as I am? I felt I was unable to please or satisfy any human being, let alone God.
I cannot pinpoint the exact day, but I know that over the next six months Jesus left His throne in heaven, came to where I was, and rescued me. I didn’t even notice I was healed until I realized I was functioning without pain months later. I didn’t even notice I had been saved until I found myself telling someone about my experience, my healing, and my new found joy. To this day, I fight with my flesh that cries out for me to meet its “needs”. I struggle with keeping my thoughts and actions pure, but I am nothing like I was. I have been celibate and single for over five years since I started following Christ. The years have been hard as the battle in my mind continues, and who knows if I will ever have another relationship or anything else in that arena…but I trust that God is faithful. My body still yells, but the voice of God is LOUDER!
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Take the MIC- Mental Illness with Christ. This is a site for those who have suffered a mental illness to share about what Christ means and has meant for them and to discuss topics related to mental illness and Christianity.
This is also a place where friends and family members can share, read, and discuss what Jesus Christ has meant to them as they walk through the difficulties associated with mental illness.
Sometimes it is hard to find a place to share about one’s powerful testimony of Christ in the midst of mental illness because of the fear of stigma, being misunderstood, or because it may not be our own story but that of a close friend or family member. Here is one place you can take the MIC and share – even anonymously- but yet perhaps find some connection with others going through the same things. Mental illness is a term used to describe any number of diagnoses found in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders and the issues surrounding. Mental illness may be no discriminator of age, race, socio-economic status, religion, or gender.
2 Corinthians 2:6-7
If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. 7Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.
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My addiction to smoking started after my first cigarette as I felt the relaxing effects of Nicotine on my “uptight” nerves. I was 24 years old (already past puberty and peer pressure to smoke) but it was a girl whom I was dating at the time who got me hooked. This led to a 30 year love affair with tobacco…but during those years, I saw society becoming less and less tolerant until now where there are a lot of outdoor places you can’t even smoke.
With two huge tax increases on cigarettes in my state, it made smoking cigarettes ill-affordable for me but at the same time…they came out with these filtered cigars, same size as 100’s for a price I could afford. Only thing…this was inhaling cigar tobacco which made me cough so hard I would get dizzy and have dry heaves over the toilet.
Recently, I was having one of these attacks from smoking and I became unconscious in my bathroom and fell on the sink and fractured my left eye , lacerated my lower lip and also chipped my two front teeth. I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance.
Many months and especially weeks prior to this incident (as I am a Christian)…I was praying to the Lord to help me quit this horrible addiction which would embarrass me in public with coughing attacks and on the phone with friends…not to mention keep me in very poor physical health. I feel this incident was God’s way of using the proverbial two by four over my head to get my attention !!!
Upon release from the hospital and later on that night…I saw on the discharge papers the Quit Line for Tobacco and I called them and they are a huge help for me and on the next Sunday…I had the Pastor of the church anoint me with oil while other Elders and Deacons prayed over me for healing and release from Satan’s grip on me with this addiction.
Currently I am Nicotine free and not suffering any cravings as I have been finding ways to keep my hands and mind active…one thing I do is constantly have my coffee can filled with coffee (I am a type of person who can still sleep after drinking a lot of caffeine during the day and night).
I feel like a new man and that constant urge to light up has been lifted from me from the Holy Spirit and the gift of so many people who understand the horrible feeling this addiction can bring to somebody…I look forward to the day my lungs are fully restored and I won’t even be counting how many days I have been freed. Thank you…
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